


Guilt

by dontcare77ghj



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Peggy Carter Needs a Hug, Steve Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:35:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25197040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontcare77ghj/pseuds/dontcare77ghj
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Reader, Peggy Carter/Reader, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Kudos: 40





	Guilt

Steve x reader x Bucky x Peggy

Your relationship with Bucky, Steve and Peggy was the worst kept secret of the war.

Everyone knew, even though you all believed them to be clueless to your love.

It was not difficult for people to find out. Many had witnessed the softer moments of your relationship. They walked in on innocent embraces, passionate kisses, and moments of weakness they only saw when the four of you were together. 

Though, it was not to be said some people had not walked in on much more private, intimate, moments.

In 1945 those around Peggy, Bucky, and Steve watched the three retreat into their relationship after Y/N L/N fell from a train. Peggy herself had not been on the mission, but she had to watch her boys suffer in their grief. Bucky and Steve, unfortunately, had been on the operation, and they blamed themselves for Y/N plummeting from the train. 

It was less than two months later when Steve and Bucky crashed the Valkyrie into the ocean.

Peggy threw herself into her work. She was a strong woman. Peggy refused to allow herself to give in to her grief.

It was not even a month later before Howard approached Peggy with a proposition. He offered to inject Peggy with the same serum he’d used on Bucky and Steve.

Peggy said yes, not giving it a second thought.

It turns out being injected with the serum came with consequences. It was 2012, and Peggy had not aged since 1945.

There were many positives to Peggy’s immortality. Peggy had helped build S.H.I.E.LD. up and had become godmother to Howard and Maria’s son.

Peggy had also been alive when Howard and Maria were murdered, leaving her godson orphaned. 

In 2012 Peggy felt the wear of being alive for so long begin to take its toll. She was in charge of SHIELD and trying to ensure her godson did not do anything too stupid. 

She had been alone for so long, never having anyone to truly confide in as she had with her three lovers.

Until 2012. When Peggy learned that they found Steve and Bucky. And not their corpses, but their living, breathing, bodies. She had two out of her three lovers back.

The three were happy. Steve, Bucky, and Peggy been reunited after so many years, given a second chance, but they were still mourning for the loss of Y/N. Peggy had years to mourn the deaths of all her lovers, yet she never moved on. Steve and Bucky had been frozen only two months into their grieving process.

In 2014, it was suddenly revealed to the public, as well as the three, Y/N L/N was not dead. And had never been.

It had been a torturous process, finding Y/N and breaking her out of her brainwashing. It felt like years since they started the process of helping her regain her memories and who she once was.

There were many days that it almost hurt too much to watch Y/N suffer as they attempted to help her. But, knowing she was suffering worse than they were was enough for them to stay. To help Y/N become who she really was.

And they did. The four did it together because that’s all these individuals really had. The four had each other. The four were finally openly together, and everything seemed perfect. Everything was perfect except for the guilt they all carried.

Steve felt the most out of the four of you. When he was smaller, during the war and after, he felt more. He felt more strongly than all of you. 

When you had fallen off the train, Steve took the blame. Though Bucky had been on the train with you both, Steve was the one to lose grip on your hand. He was the one who was not able to pull you back up, he was the one who failed to save you.

And not just from death. He was unable to save you from the trauma you were forced to live through for seven decades.

You knew how Steve felt. You loved him too much to not notice he was drowning in his guilt every time he looked at you.

And you were not the only one to notice. Bucky had, so had Peggy.

It had been a year since you fought your way out of your head and HYDRA’s brainwashing, you felt you were stronger for it, but Steve still treated you as if you were a porcelain doll.

“Here, doll,” Steve said, handing you a cup of tea. 

“What’s this for?” You smiled, kissing his cheek in thanks.

“Just ‘cos.” He shrugged. “Do you need me to do anything for you?” He asked you, taking a seat next to you on the bed.

“No, Stevie. I’m fine.” You smiled, curling into his side. 

“Are you sure? You don’t want me to grab you anything? Make something to eat?" 

"Steve, I’m not an invalid.” You said, pointedly. Your mechanic arm had malfunctioned last week, and as a result, you’d had to send it back to Shuri for repairs. She wasn’t sure why it acted out as it did, she wanted to be sure nothing would happen again.

So, for the foreseeable future, you would be working with one arm. You were managing very well and living life as you usually would, but Steve had been especially attentive. Especially suffocating.

You and Steve were watching a movie while Peg and Bucky were out for the day. It was when you moved to place your cup on the bedside you let out a hiss.

“Y/N? Are you okay, doll?” Steve questioned you rapidly.

“I’m okay, Steve.” You assured him, rubbing your shoulder. “My shoulder is just really sore.” You said, groaning as you moved wrongly.

“Take your shirt off,” Steve told you, shifting on the bed. Not saying a word you did as he asked, well demanded, and pulled your shirt off. Steve gently pushed you onto your front and straddled your lower back.

Steve gently began to massage the area, causing you to let out a breathy sigh.

“I’m sorry.” Steve breathed after several minutes. “I’m so sorry.”

“What for, Stevie?” You questioned him, quite confused.

“I’m the reason you fell. If I had just held on, you wouldn’t have been tortured for all those years. You would still have both your arms.” He said, hands stilling as he spoke.

“Steve, I don’t blame you for any of that.” You told him, crawling out from under him.

“You should,” Steve muttered, not meeting your eyes.

“I don’t.” You said firmly. “The train was not your fault. I fell, anyone could have. And you can’t blame yourself for anything HYDRA did to me." 

"But I could have saved you,” Steve said, looking at you sadly.

“It’s not your job.” You assured him. “And I don’t want you torturing yourself over things you couldn’t control. You’re not allowed to feel guilty for this. I won’t let you.”

“I don’t think you can just tell me what to feel.” Steve managed a laugh.

“Watch me.” You smiled, taking his hand. “Steve, I’m fine. I’m okay, and I’m going to be okay for a long time. Okay?”

“Okay.” He finally smiled.

Non-reader POV

Peggy did not feel as much as Steve did. Steve felt every emotion and let them take control of his entire being. But Peggy rarely allowed her feelings to take control of herself. Especially the negative ones.

During the seventy years Peggy had been alone, Peggy had spent her time building SHIELD up into the organization it was today. Peggy had focused her grief into attempting to destroy HYDRA. It was because of HYDRA she had lost the three people she loved. 

After finding out the three of you were still alive, Peggy backed away from SHIELD to watch over the three of you. She entrusted SHIELD into Fury and his team’s hands. 

And then SHIELD fell. It fell into HYDRA’s disgusting hands.

Everything Peggy had worked for, for seventy years, had all been for naught.  
With the fall of SHIELD, any real SHIELD agents had to run. Identities were changed, safe houses were at maximum capacity, and lives were broken.

Peggy, Steve, Y/N, and Bucky had all had to run. HYDRA was coming, and Peggy refused to allow them to touch anything else she held dear. Again.

The four had a home of their own that could not be traced back to any of them. They had kept the place clean, furnished, stocked with enough food, and drink to survive the end of the world, but they rarely had time to stay.

It had been a week since the four had arrived at their home. Peggy had enjoyed their slip into domesticity, they all had, but she was still punishing herself.

“Who’s winning?” Bucky asked, appearing behind Peggy. Peggy was standing at the window watching as Steve, and Y/N playfully spared in the fro\nt yard. 

“Neither. Y/N’s pulling her punches, and Steve’s trying to let Y/N win.” Peggy hummed as Bucky wrapped his arms around her waist. 

“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” Bucky questioned Peggy, punctuating the question with a kiss to her temple. “What are you thinking about?”

“SHIELD.” Peggy sighed, not willing to lie to the man.

“Doll.” Bucky sighed.

“I know, I know, I shouldn’t make myself sick over this, but I can’t help it,” Peggy said, leaning back in his hold.

“Peg, what happened to SHIELD was not your fault,” Bucky told her. “SHIELD was my responsibility. For seventy years, I was in charge, I leave for a couple years, and the whole thing falls apart. If I had been around, I could have prevented everything.” Peggy argued.

“Peg, I don’t know if you want to hear this, but SHIELD’s been rotting for a long time. You couldn’t notice because HYDRA are sneaky bastards, and it’s their job.” Bucky reasoned with the woman.

“I should have known,” Peggy complained. “I dedicated seventy years to SHIELD, how did I not see it was crumbling right under my feet?”

“Because HYDRA is good at that,” Bucky told her. “We know better than anyone what they’re capable of. We know what they do, and we know how good they are at it.”

“I keep thinking if maybe I hadn’t backed so far off, if maybe I had kept an eye on SHIELD, I could have seen what was coming and stopped it.”

“So, you’re saying if you could go back to when you made the decision to back away, you’d stay?” Bucky asked her.

“No. No, I wouldn’t be able to do that.” Peggy shook her head. “I love you three too much to distance myself from you.”

“You can’t go back, Peg. What’s happened has happened. The only way to go now is forward." 

"Maybe you should start writing Steve’s speeches.” Peggy giggled, causing the man to also laugh.

“Better?” Bucky asked her.

“Much.” Peggy smiled, leaning up to kiss the man. “Let’s bring those two in.” She suggested.

Bucky had a firm grip on his emotions. Always had. Back in the forties, Buck was the one always looking after everyone. He took care of Steve, who was forever sick, made Peggy take a day off every now and then, and he would always be the one to comfort Y/N after dealing with her mother.

Bucky was a caretaker. He didn’t focus on his own emotions as much as he did with those around them.

“New phones for all.” Tony declared, passing out a box filled with new Stark phones.

“Very nice, Stark.” Y/N commented, taking one of the phones and passing the box down.

“I aim to please.” Tony smiled, making himself a drink. “It’s top of the line, not available to the public, and only for this team. It’s got all the best features, and even better, it’s got a holographic projector.”

“Why do you need a projector?” Bucky asked, fiddling with the phone.

“No-one needs a projector. It’s just a perk.” Tony shrugged. 

Hours later, Bucky was seated in the bedroom the four of you shared when staying at the tower. He was sat on the bed, staring at Stark’s new phone.

The once glimmering, brand new item now had several deep cracks, and he couldn’t get it to turn on anymore.

Bucky attempted to press the button one more time, and when it didn’t turn on again, he threw the phone at a wall just as Steve entered.

“Buck! It's just me!” Steve yelped, jumping away from the shattered phone.

“Shit. I’m sorry, I didn’t see you coming in.” Bucky sighed, resting his head in his hands.

“Buck, you just got this a couple hours ago,” Steve said, examining the remains of the phone.

“Yeah, and it was fucking broken or something.” The brunette grumbled.

“Did you tell Tony?” Steve asked, picking up the pieces and putting them on the bedside.

“No, I didn’t. The phone was broken when I got it, I swear.” Bucky said, looking up. “It’s okay, I’ll just use my old one. I know how to use that one, at least.”

“Tony’s phone isn’t that hard to use. He had to show me how to use the projector feature, but it’s pretty simple to use otherwise.” Steve shrugged

“Of course, it’s fucking simple for you.” Bucky snapped. “Everything’s always so simple for you and everyone around me.”

“Buck, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I’m sorry.” Steve said, going to leave the room.

“Wait, no, Steve, I’m so sorry.” Bucky apologized, jumping to his feet. “I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“Want to tell me where that came from?” Steve questioned him, turning around and folding his arms across his chest. “How long have you been bottling that up?”

“Too long.” Bucky sighed, sitting back on the bed.

“What’s going on, Buck? None of us have seen you in hours, and you’ve been in a mood since Tony gave you the phone.” Steve said, taking a seat next to the man.

“I can’t catch up. You and Y/N and Peg, you’re all catching up so quickly. I get Peg, she was able to evolve with it. Hell, I even understand how Y/N can keep up. But I just get so jealous when I can’t keep up, and you can.” Bucky admitted, cheeks burning red as he refused to look at him. “I feel like I’m still stuck in the forties, Steve.”

“Oh, Buck.” Steve cooed, shifting closer to the man and grasping his hand tightly. 

“I’m sorry, Steve. I’m sorry I’m acting like this.” Bucky apologized. “I shouldn’t be jealous that everyone’s acclimating, but I am, and I hate it.”

“Buck, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. We lost seventy years of our lives, and we never spoke to anyone. We never addressed it. You’re allowed to be slow with modern advances, and it’s nothing for you to feel bad about.” Steve soothed, pushing hair from Bucky’s face.

“Are you sure?” Bucky asked meekly.

“Positive.” Steve smiled. “And I promise I’m going to help you. It’ll be discreet, and no one will have to know if that’s what you want.”

“I’d like that Stevie.” Bucky leaned over to kiss the man. “Thank you.”

“Of course, James.” Steve smiled. “But there is one thing you’re going to have to do on your own.”

“What’s that?”

“You’re going to have to tell Tony you broke your phone.”

Reader POV

In the forties, you had been the most carefree. Never really caring what anyone said, apart from the comments your mother spewed, you didn’t care what people thought. 

You wore pants before it was accepted, proudly held hands with any of your partners, and you gladly got into fistfights in alleys with Steve.

You never felt bad when people would complain about how unladylike you were. You would never feel guilty when your mother would cry about how you would never give her grandchildren because you weren’t going to attract any men if you wore pants. 

You liked who you were, and each of your partners enjoyed how carefree you were.

After breaking free from your mind control, this was no longer the case. You weren’t as carefree as you once were. Emotions ruled you, especially guilt. 

Guilt over everything you’d ever been forced to do while under HYDRA’s control.

Therapy had been a help. The therapist Tony recommended had helped you see it wasn’t your fault what had happened. The therapy had brought back some of your carefreeness, and you were starting to remember who you used to be.

You had been warned from the beginning that it wouldn’t just be good days. There would always be bad days, it was just the therapists hope that they would soon lessen.

She was right, they did lessen. The time periods between the bad days grew and could be months apart from each other, but they still came back.

Today was a bad day.

As soon as you awoke, you knew it wasn’t going to be easy today. Everything felt heavy. Everything hurt. Even though it was a warm summer day, you found yourself donning a long sleeve shirt and usual glove.

You couldn’t stand the sight of your arm that day.

“Darling, you’re going to give yourself heatstroke. At least take the gloves off.” Peggy said.

“No, it’s okay. I’m not that hot.” You denied, pulling your sleeves further down as you grabbed a Coke.

“Darling you’re sweating.” Peggy pointed out. “Y/N, do we need to call Yasmin? Do you need another session?”

“No. I don’t need another session.” You said quickly. “I’m fine, Peg.”

“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to lie about the bad days, Y/N.” Peggy said, moving behind you. “We’re here to help you.”

“Well you shouldn’t be.” You snapped, spinning around. “You’re all wasting your time on me when you could all be doing better things.”

“Y/N, darling, that’s simply not true.” Peggy said, moving closer. “We’re not wasting time on you. We love you.”

“You love a murderer. A disgrace of a human being.” You scoffed, eyes stinging as you looked away.

“You did not kill anyone. HYDRA is responsible for those deaths, not you.” Peggy forcefully told you. “Y/N, we are not wasting time. We love you. We have loved you for seventy years and no matter what has happened to you, we are not running. We’re in this ‘til the end of the line.” Peggy said, stepping forward and grabbing your hands in hers.

“I’ve killed people, Peggy.” You whimpered. “I’ve killed a lot of people.”

“It wasn’t you, darling.” Peggy shushed you, squeezing your flesh hand as she took off the glove on your metal hand. “And we’re not scared of you. You don’t need to carry all this on your own anymore.”

Peggy took another step forward and pulled you into her arms. As her arms wrapped around your body, your knees gave out and you had to hold onto the Brit for strength. 

“Do you want me to call Yasmin?” She asked you again.

“No.” You shook your head. “I just want you and our boys.”

“Okay.” Peggy whispered, pressing a kiss to your crown. “How about you head back to bed, think about changing, and I’ll get them from the training room?”

“Okay.” You nodded. “I love you, Peg.” You murmured, quickly kissing her cheek before walking back to the bedroom.

Guilt was an easy emotion. Everyone felt it, but not everyone got over it. It was a good thing the four of you had each other.

The four of you were the worst kept secret of the war, Avengers, family and each others. And only one of those titles really mattered.


End file.
